THE LORD OF THE FLIES?

365 Days of Thanksliving — Day 184

If you could ask God ten questions and guarantee a straight answer, what would they be? My top ones would definitely be BIGLY theological, but a few might just be downright silly.

Before you say it, I know—some of you might think it's sacrilege to ask the Almighty a silly question. After all, the Lord did chastise Job for questioning why He allowed (or perhaps instigated) all that suffering.

Just consider the story. Don’t you want to know why God pointed Job out to Satan in the first place? It was basically, "You see my boy down there? He’s one righteous dude!"—fully invoking Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Once God opened that door, the little red devil with the pitchfork said, "Well, that’s just 'cause you’ve got a hedge of protection around him." Game on! I’m taking some liberties with the translation here, but you get the point.

Beyond the deep theological stuff, I just might have to ask the Good Lord this: Why did you have to make bugs? I sort of get the circle of life, but why design the common housefly? All they seem to do is spread pestilence and disease.

Furthermore, I certainly don’t see houseflies listed in Genesis 1. Do you? Then again, maybe God hadn’t invented them yet. Before Adam and Eve caused all creation to fall, there was no death or decay. Ergo, no need for flies in the Garden of Eden.

Man, I am rambling tonight, aren’t I? Anywho.

Among the numerous things I’m thankful for today is this killer bug spray left in the garage when we moved in. It is packed with a whole lotta DEET, enough to take down anything that walks, crawls, or flies. It’s especially lethal against our unofficial Minnesota state bird: the six-inch skeeter that hunts down us fair-skinned folks to drain us dry.

This afternoon, I got back from the office and found swarms of newly hatched houseflies buzzing all over the garage windows and side door. Honestly, it was JUST GROSS! I immediately grabbed that bottle of tactical bug killer and went to town. I definitely overdid it, because DEET is currently the only thing you can smell out there. But hey, no more flies—at least for a day or two.

I don’t know who actually invented this bug spray. It was probably DARPA, working in tandem with the Feds for some battlefield application. I know I’m being facetious, but let's be real, DARPA is often up to no good. Keep in mind, these are the folks who hired the scientists to formulate Agent Orange—the toxic defoliant from Vietnam that caused so much sickness in our own troops.

Today, you might know its chemical cousin by the commercial name: Roundup. Hmmm. Doesn’t Roundup get sprayed on farmers' crops, seeping right into the seed? And isn't it the exact same stuff we buy at Menards to kill our driveway weeds?

I wonder if that stuff kills bugs, too? Just asking for a friend.

Anyway... squirrel! Back to my point. Whoever the mad scientist was who cooked up this fly killer, I’d like to shake his hand. I'm not entirely sure I want to thank God for the flies. Why He invented—excuse me, created—them is beyond my paygrade. I know the drill: frogs eat flies, other creatures eat frogs, and the food chain keeps turning. Flies also feast on dead flesh and aid in the decaying process. That doesn't change the fact that they are downright disgusting. Blech!

Should I be thanking God for the flies? Perhaps. That being said, I absolutely refuse to call God "the Lord of the Flies." (But, is he though? That’s a more serious question, don’t you agree?) That said, that title just carries a very weird connotation.

So, wrapping up this silly post for tonight: I’m thankful for the unexplainable mysteries of this universe, and I'm equally thankful for common chemical products (like DEET) that make our lives slightly less miserable.

Beyond the silly stuff, I have some serious gratitude today as well. I'm thankful for the local farmers who grow our food and raise livestock—like the half-hog we just purchased and the quarter-beef we have on reserve. I’m also thankful for local business owners, like my friends Shawn and Connie, who will be detailing my little car soon. Believe me, that car is almost as gross as the garage flies, and I will always choose to support local.

Anyway, my friends, what are you thankful for today? Name two things: one that’s silly, and one that’s sentimental. Sound off in the comments!