RUBBER BISCUIT

 365 Days of Thanksliving — Day 200

Pop quiz, friends: What is objectively worse?

1. Walking around half the day with your fly wide open, inviting a gentle breeze into places breezes should never go?

2. Putting on a pair of drawers that choose today to lose all structural integrity, causing your undies to slowly migrate south of your buttocks with every step?

Laughing yet?

Yeah, that was me the other day. And wait until you hear the setting. Prepare yourself, maybe grab a towel in case you snort-laugh your coffee. Thankfully, both of these catastrophic wardrobe malfunctions didn’t happen at the exact same time, because that wouldn't just be embarrassing—that would be a legal matter. I’ll give you the reveal in a minute, but let’s marinate in the suspense first.

As you know, Monday I was a total wasteoid. I didn’t leave the house, mostly because I didn’t get home from Chokio until 0430 (that’s 4:30 AM for all you civilian types). But going into Tuesday, I knew things were about to kick into high gear. This is always my busiest week of the month.

Here comes the reveal. (And thank goodness there was no actual reveal in the moment). Every third Tuesday, at precisely 10:00 AM, I lead chapel services at the local nursing home.

 So, looking exceptionally dapper in my nice collared shirt, I ventured north to St. John’s Circle of Care. Arriving ten minutes early, I was the picture of efficiency. I set up the microphone, handed out hymnals, the whole nine yards. Completely unbeknownst to me, my barn door was wide open.

At 10:00 AM sharp, we got the show on the road. We prayed. We sang two hymns. I preached a dynamic, moving message. Fifteen minutes later, we sang another hymn, and I moved behind the altar to bless the elements and lead Holy Communion.

For the next five minutes, my assistant and I walked around the chapel distributing communion to the residents—all the while, totally clueless, I was air-conditioning my frontside.

Now, the residents? I’ll forgive them. They might not have noticed. Honestly, if I can keep them awake, it’s a win. But the staff? The organist? The chaplain himself?! Not a single soul bothered to whisper, “Hey J, eh-hem, XYZ... Examine Your Zipper.” Nope.

I didn't realize I was broadcasting to the public until I was leaving a resident's room around 11:30 AM. After walking past a dozen nurses and who knows how many residents, the cold truth finally hit me. I’m laughing now, but in that moment? I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

[Mental Note: Always double-check the hardware before preaching the Gospel.]

Thank the good Lord above that my undies didn’t lose their elasticity during chapel. Can you imagine the double-whammy? I would’ve given the residents a heart attack and the staff a free show. It could’ve gotten so bad they’d have to call the authorities to drag me out for indecent exposure. I can see the headlines now: "Local Pastor Arrested for Indecent Exposure at Nursing Home." Thank you, Lord, for giving me my snafus one at a time.

But oh, the universe wasn't done with me. Later that afternoon, as I went about my work, those darn undies officially gave up the ghost. The elastic gave way, and down they slid.

My afternoon consisted entirely of walking and "hiking," walking and "hiking." Oh, my Lord, it was pathetic. I felt like one of those kids from the 2000s whose pants are dragging in the dirt. “Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!”

I finally had to go home just to change. And then, because I am a certified genius, I threw them into the dirty clothes basket instead of the trash. Can't wait to accidentally wear them again next Tuesday!

Wish me luck. Rubber Biscuit! (Shoutout to the Blues Brothers). If we were down south, somebody would look at me and say, “Bless your heart.”

Anyway, I’m thankful today that not only does our God have a fantastic sense of humor and a foolproof method for keeping us humble, but He also prevented my Tuesday from going way south—in more ways than one.

Which of you brave souls is willing to share your ultimate wardrobe malfunction or public snafu? You know, the ones that could’ve gone terribly wrong, but by the grace of God, you and the innocent bystanders were spared?

Drop a line in the comments and tell me what you’re thankful for today (even if it's just working zippers)!