ODDBALL AND MORIARTY

365 Days of Thanksliving — Day 205

Okay, now you might argue with me, but I think one of the best of the best of the best movies of all time is Kelly’s Heroes. If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend it, even if you’re a girl, and especially if you want a good laugh. Just consider the all-star cast: Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, Carroll O'Connor (aka Archie Bunker), Donald Sutherland, and Gavin MacLeod as Private Moriarty.

I mean, sure, it was a “war flick,” but it was like Ocean’s Eleven and The Dirty Dozen came together and had a baby with the likes of M*A*S*H.

Speaking of Private Moriarty (played by Gavin MacLeod, you know, Captain Stubing from The Love Boat), he was the yin to Oddball’s yang. (Oddball, of course, being played by the late, great Donald Sutherland).

Anyway, Oddball was the original hippie, who commanded a squad of three tanks. But, much like yours truly (another Oddball), he couldn’t fix a thing—especially any mechanical thing. That’s where Moriarty came in; according to Oddball, he was a “mechanical genius.”

Today, this oddball needed another Moriarty. Here’s the story. Y’all are gonna be shaking your heads and laughing at me in a moment.

So, the backyard was (and still is) in desperate need of mowing. I did what any responsible homeowner would do: I dragged out the mower. Now, last time, I cleaned it out real good after finishing the lawn, then filled the tank. With it ready to go—so I presumed—I primed it three times, let it rest for a few seconds, grabbed the handlebar choke, squeezed it in, and gave the cord a confident yank.

Ynnn-CHUK-VROOOOOOOOM! BRAAAA-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. BRAAAA-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Braaa-duh-duh-GLUG-GLUG-GLUG-pffft-BRAAAA-glug-glug. Guh-glug-guh-glug-chk-chk-chk. Puh-puh-puh-puh... pffffft... ssssssss... tink.

Did ya get all that? That’s exactly what it did. It fired up, started to run, but 10 to 15 seconds later, it choked and sputtered out into a sad, metallic silence. Don’t ask me why; I’m Oddball. Remember?

My wife, thinking she could get it started (because she’s supposedly so much more of a "mechanical genius" than I am—ha!), tried her best, too. I graciously provided upper management support. By which I mean I stood back, crossed my arms, and supervised, saying, “Good luck.” Shockingly, she didn’t have any luck either.

Personally, I think the heavenly realms are still messing with us today—a continuation of yesterday’s nonsense. Some little lawn-demon decided to mess with me this week. Well, I have his number. I’m about to invoke Jesus’ name over the rest of my week.

Anyway, what else could I do but call in my Moriarty?

MESSAGE TO WAYNE: "The parsonage lawnmower won’t run again. It cranked over, started up, ran for about 15 seconds, then sputtered out. It’s got a full tank of gas. Checked the oil. It looks like there’s enough in there. I even cleaned the bottom out of any obstructions last time we used it... I can’t rely on that thing anymore. It’s getting frustrating."

Wayne came over to save the day. He grabbed the mower, and within an hour brought it back, gently explaining to me how I had managed to completely flood the air filter with oil. Apparently, when you tip a mower over sideways to "clean the bottom out real good," gravity does its thing. Who knew?

Again... ODDBALL, right? You can’t make this stuff up. Like Oddball, I can drive 'em, but don’t ask me what makes 'em run.

Anyway, today, this oddball of a character is thankful for my buddy Wayne and all you mechanical geniuses out there. While I can do stuff like this—write, preach, etc.—don’t ask me to fix a thing. Guys like me are the exact reason lawn service companies stay in business.

Anybody wanna get paid to mow the lawn for the rest of the season?

Thank You, God, for all the Moriartys out there. You’ve created us, molded us, and gifted us all differently. I thank You for gifting some to be the proverbial yin to my clunky, non-mechanical yang.