NOT DEAD YET

365 DAYS OF THANKSLIVING — DAY 175

Okay, for all you locals, if you don’t see me tomorrow morning by 10:00 for the Memorial Day service, you’d best call the coroner, because we might not be breathing. While we’re still alive and kicking right now, only time will tell if tonight’s supper finally did us in. (I hope you know I’m being overly facetious... mostly.)

If you’ve known me long enough, you know my brain is a bit… off. I usually blame that on too many 80s radio episodes of The Doctor Demento Show, or perhaps frying my circuits on too many classic Monty Python VHS tapes playing on a floor-model tube TV.

Anyway, back to the supper illusion.

So, in preparation for returning to Keto, we decided to have one last Memorial Day weekend meat-extravaganza. Totally true story.

Backstory time: A year ago in January, I started a hybrid version of Carnivore and had killer success. I dropped 45 lbs in about three months. But then life got in the way, the excuse train pulled into the station, and I rode it right back to my old habits. Oof. A year later, I look like an Oompa-Loompa had a baby with the Michelin Man (just minus the orange face and green hair… though maybe DJT is an Oompa-Loompa, IDK. I digress).

Anywho, while I am fully one sassy dude, the "fat" in "fat-n-sassy" has got to go. Knowing it was time to get back on the wagon, we spent the last couple of weeks eating our way through our pre-packaged pantry stock so we can return to a cleaner way of eating. As part of this great purge, I thought it best to clean out the deep freeze as well. After all, we have some good local beef on order, and a guy's gotta make room. Plus, it’s a holiday weekend—ribs and wings sounded like they’d hit the absolute spot.

Seeing a package of each in the icy depths, I took them out to thaw. Just one tiny problem: Miss Piggy was vacuum-sealed over four years ago. All I could say to that was a heavy, exasperated UFFDA! Truly, I was about to chuck 'em straight into the trash. But for giggles, I took a poll to see what the peanut gallery thought.

I was torn. Throwing out baby-backs felt like a cardinal sin against meat, but being a former Navy cook, I knew damn well we’d have never held onto rations that long. Even my old shipmate Billy chimed in with a swift, "Deep six 'em." But Billy was the lone voice of reason. Everyone else basically said, "Why not take a shot? What doesn’t kill ya makes ya stronger." So, seeing that the vacuum seal miraculously held, we set them to thaw. And today was the day.

I’ve gotta admit, I was sweating it a bit. I cut open the pack and took a cautious whiff. They didn't smell toxic, but there was some definite discoloration around the edges. I trimmed the gray, peeled off the silver-skins (which looked a bit tarnished by this decade), washed the rack, dried it, slathered on a binder and seasoning, and fired up the pellet grill.

Four hours of smoke later, the baby-backs and wings were done. Time to dig in and tempt fate.

The wings? Oh, my heavens. Fantastic, as usual. Crispy on the outside, succulently moist on the inside, packing a punch of flavor. But Miss Piggy… she was a bit questionable. They tasted like ribs, but there was a glaring, undeniable aftertaste. Not sure if it was freezer burn, the simple reality of geriatric meat, or just the questionable age of that well frozen pig.

Needless to say, I won’t be replicating that four-year expiration experiment ever again. While we’re still on this side of the dirt, I’m just praying the ferryman doesn’t show up tonight, clanging his cowbell and yelling, "Bring out your dead!"

THAT SAID….

Tonight, I’m thankful for a good laugh and for modern refrigeration that somehow kept pork borderline-edible for over 48 months. I’m thankful for aggressive spices and heavy sauces that masked the funk, and for the ultimate lesson learned: never, ever do that again. I think the good book sums up my culinary gamble best:

Proverbs 27:12: "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty."

What are you thankful for today? Hopefully, I’ll see ya tomorrow for another episode of 365 Days of Thanksliving. (Crossing my fingers. LOL.)